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beautiful words. by birdluvr109

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Poetry... by HikaKao132

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Submitted on
November 28, 2010
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1.1 KB


15 (who?)


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Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
I can hear the bones crackle,
I hear the pitiful moans.
I grasp tight on my pistol,
In the dark all alone.
They come from the shadows,
And they tear down my walls.
They follow my steps,
As I run down the halls.
I shoot as I tremble,
I keep them away.
With a cold dripping fear,
I keep them at bay.
They're crawling so closer,
I can't hold them off.
They grab and they gnaw me,
Please! Just please make it stop!!!
But you came along,
And you blew them to pieces.
Not a knight in white armor,
But you've still left me speechless.
We head down the stairs,
We have no time to waste.
We go as a pair,
To our inevitable fate.
The creatures become numerous,
Though the few that we shot through.
Before we go down,
I just wanted to tell you.
Though they scare me to death,
Though the terrors are rife.
Fighting zombies with you,
I had the time of my life.
I'd just like to thank [link] for dealing with my bullshit, and having to edit this over and over. Thanks Mel! You're awesome =)

Inspired by listening to "Long Live" and "Haunted" By Taylor Swift.
Over, and over, and over.
As well as playing Black Ops
Enjoy! =)

Necrophobia: The fear of dead things... Especially when they move

I've been told by a lot of people that the idea of "Zombies" doesn't come to them until the last stanza. Maybe I should give it a mention earlier in the poem? Also, it feels like there's something missing...
I also wonder if the fear really goes through in this...
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Kage-Mom-18 Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2010   Writer
O.O Amazing. The fear and anxiety come through the poem with ease. Leave it the way it is, it's great! And I thought of zombies after the first two lines (:
Thecreativeone22 Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2010
I really love this poem:)
Allyrah Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
This is really great, I love it! I thought of zombies long before the last stanza, so I think that's something that differs from person to person, but I personally think you should keep it as it is and not actually mention them until the end. I think the fear definitely comes through, not only do you mention that the person is afraid, but the words like "run down" and "tremble" and then the "please make it stop" really adds to that sense of fear, at least it does for me. The ending is so sweet, made me smile. This is a really cool poem!
Happendy Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, maybe my friends are just dim...
Thanks though! :D
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Actually, from "pitiful moans" I automatically thought of zombies. I don't think that's an issue.

The rhythm is pretty good though it stumbles in a few places. Reading out loud usually helps with that. :)

It evokes a really vivid image, actually, and a fair bit of tension, so I think you did a good job with it! :dance:
Happendy Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks a lot!
Appreciate it =)
pretty-yin Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Student Writer
I like how you let zombies wait until the end. Your established rhyme is put to excellent use here, which is sometimes difficult to do (I have trouble with it anyway, it always seems so forced. Yours doesn't.) and I think you owe that to your meter.

There are a few grammatical errors I'd like to point out (but because I know the internet is cold, I do want you to know I ADORE this piece, I'm not trying to nit-pick!): "with cold, dripping fear" (needs the comma) "so closer" can be kept within meter with "still" (and make more grammatical sense), "they grab and they gnaw me" should have a period. "You've" changes the tense, and you don't need the contraction to keep your meter.

The second to last stanza breaks the meter for a bit- some poets do that on purpose, which I understand, so disregard the next if that is the case:
"The creatures become numerous", "though the few that we shot through" and "I just wanted to tell you" all seem to have this extra beat in them that other stanzas are lacking. There are a couple of things you could do to change that- but as I said, if the break in meter was intentional, it's a moot point, isn't it?

All THAT said, I love the style. It reminds me of a ghost story told at firelight, combined with a love-story, combined with a gory zombie horror flick. It's wonderful. I love it. The form you chose was perfect for the atmosphere you relayed, your imagery was delightful. Good work!
Happendy Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for your input!
I'll probably fix those errors when I get around to it.
"a ghost story told at firelight, combined with a love-story, combined with a gory zombie horror flick"
^Thanks! This made me giggle. But yeah, it was exactly what I was going for. :D
pretty-yin Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Student Writer
No problem, just thoughts. As I said, I highly enjoyed the piece either way :D
morgan1bucky Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
This is definitely a good poem. The rhythm and flow is good, it isn't choppy anywhere. Very good job!
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